I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
