Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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