I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
