you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
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I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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