he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i love accidental penises.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
