I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
