I've blown a few things in my day
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize