AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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