this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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