am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
