Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize