Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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