I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
