The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
