I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
