What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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