Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
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We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died