I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
