She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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