remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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