Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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