I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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