I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
