So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
