and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
