i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
