Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
