Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
