I think I am morally bankrupt
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
