and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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