my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
