First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
