I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
