I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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