This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
