How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
