hotel room ftw
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
