Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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