Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
