I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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