Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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