Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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