Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
