Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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