omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
