My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
