did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
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You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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