Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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