When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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