i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
