At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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