I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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