Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
