i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
