Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
