when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
